Epiphany
by Gifah Tarnigaloat
Summary: Sayu doesn't trust anybody anymore...her brother was Kira, and nothing is the same.  But can she trust Matsuda, who seems much more interested in her now that Light is gone...Please notice new name, i wanted this one but i forgot it...haha


**Part 1**

**Chapter 1- Miserable Girl**

**Even though her brother had turned out to be the mass-murderer, Kira, Sayu still missed Light. His true identity had put her and her mother into despair, because they knew that if Sayu and Light's father was still alive, he would be ashamed of what his son had done. **

**They say the first step to recovery is denial. Sayu still had trouble believing that her brother was the one who was responsible for her father's death. All those murders, so carefully planned and meticulously executed throughout the years, that couldn't have been Light. He had been a hard-working high school student, a hard-working college student, a hard-working police chief, and a good boyfriend and brother. **

**Misa had killed herself, a long and gruesome suicide. She had taped it, and written a long letter to Light about how much she still loved him. Light's girlfriend couldn't handle the truth. Fragments from the letter still popped into Sayu's mind, day after day, haunting her as she tried to live life as she once had. **

"**I still love you, Light. I always love you, even if you are Kira." "Even if you are Kira…."**

**I'll never love a man, Sayu thought. It's a dangerous business to go and place your affections in the hands of someone else.**

**Now, Sayu swung her legs over the railing outside the NPA's headquarters. She watched the traffic as cars crawled through the streets, free to live their lives, as she wished she could.**

**A hand gently grasped her shoulder. **

**What are you doing out here by yourself? Matsuda asked. Shouldn't you be at school?**

**Sayu slowly turned towards him, having barely heard what he had said. **

_**Why aren't you studying, working hard for school?**_

**I can't concentrate on my school work anymore. Other students are always asking me questions about Light. Nobody seems to understand that it was a surprise to me too. Some of them have even gone as far as to accuse me of working with him.**

**But you wouldn't do that! Matsuda was lovingly sweet, and dumb. Sayu laughed at his stricken expression. **

**Hey! Her laughter had hurt his feelings. It was very easy for her to manipulate his emotions. This was not something she did for entertainment, however.**

**Sayu landed on the sidewalk, walked around to the other side of the railing, and gave him a hug. He was taller than her, and she liked that. When she looked up, she discovered that he was blushing.**

**Gently, he pushed her away. I didn't take your words to heart, Sayu. There's no reason for you to try and comfort me. **

**Normally, Sayu would have laughed at his embarrassment. She was only in grad school, and he thirty-five! Today, however, she felt rejected, as if he would actually think of her in that way. She straightened her spine, swung a leg over the railing once more, and did not look at him.**

**Sayu…**

**She did not turn around. Eventually she heard his footsteps as he went back inside the police station. He had lots of work to do, probably. Many more important things to do than listen to the troubles of a high-school girl.**

**Why did she care about what Matsuda thought about her?**

**Chapter 2- Confession**

**Sayu! Dinner's ready!**

**Sayu hurried down the stairs, smiling at the delicious dinner that she had helped her mother to make this morning. They had prepared everything and her mother had started to cook it all a half hour ago.**

**She walked over to the kitchen drawers and pulled out two pairs of chopsticks and two paper napkins. She was just about to go back to the table to place them on it when somebody stopped her elbow from closing the drawer.**

**Matsuda smiled at Sayu, reaching for a third pair of chopsticks. **

**Sayu… Her mother spoke from the living room, walking towards the kitchen. I forgot to tell you that Matsu…**

**Matsuda raised a hand and waved to Sayu's mother in greeting. **

**Da's…coming over for dinner… her mother quickly ducked out of the kitchen again, waiting for them at the table.**

**They both went to sit, Matsuda pulled out the chair before Sayu sat down, making them both blush. If her mother noticed, she pretended not to, for the dinner went quite smoothly.**

**After dessert, Sayu's mother stood up. Well, I'll leave you kids to it…**

**Sayu raised her eyebrows. It would be extremely strange of her mother to attempt to set her up with Matsuda, but Sayu didn't doubt her mother's capability. **

**So, Matsuda was saying, Do you want to go somewhere?**

**Sayu narrowed her eyes. Like a date?**

**He began hopping from foot to foot, averting his eyes. Well, yes.**

**Hot anger was rising through her. Look, Matsuda, I don't know what my mother has told you, but I'm **_**not**_** lonely. **

**No? He sounded hurt, angry, and scared. But what if I am, Sayu? Did you ever think about that?**

**You ask a lot of a girl who is finishing up grad school! He was ten years older than her!**

**That doesn't matter to me. She could tell it was true, and that was what made her anger subside, and her disbelieve swell.**

**It doesn't? her voice sounded weak. **

**He reached for her, and she didn't pull back.**

**Come on, he said. Let's go someplace where we can talk. I'm sure you don't want to talk in your mother's house.**

**She shook her head, and felt guilty for liking the feel of his fingers in hers.**

**Chapter 3- An Absence of Trust**

**At the end of the block, Sayu pulled back. How can you be so nonchalant about this? **

**He looked at her, looked for so long that she felt nervous. I'm not being nonchalant.**

**She punched him in the arm. Come on, tell me you're joking. She knew he wasn't, but she had to hear it from him all the same. **

**I'm not. Again he was hurt. It was so easy to hurt his feelings. Too easy.**

**I'll hurt you. She said, reaching for his arm and applying pressure to a soft spot.**

**He didn't pull away. Why do you care if I get hurt?**

**She didn't have an answer for that.**

**Matsuda took advantage of her surprise, catching her wrists and pulling her closer. **

**Are you scared that you'll be the one who gets hurts?**

**She stared, wide eyed.**

**I won't turn on you. I won't try to hurt your mother, you, and I won't insult his memory. I'm not Light, Sayu.**

**She pushed him away, stalking down the street. The heels of her boots landed sqarely on the pavement, pounding her way to her house. Trust Matsuda to play such a mean joke on her.**

**Chapter 4- Anger and Remorse**

**For the next couple of days Sayu thought about what Matsuda had said, in anger. He had judged her, abused what little trust there was between them. Then after her anger came longing. She wanted that, she realized. The whole package. A happy family, a boyfriend or husband who loved her and didn't care who her brother was.**

**A week later she saw him again, sulking around the NPA's headquarters. Sayu knew he had seen her, but he did not approach her and she did not call out in greeting. She liked it this way, him wanting what she would never have. It was sick, and it was sadistic, but she liked it nonetheless. **

**Her mother hadn't mentioned Matsuda after their dinner. Sayu was glad of this. She didn't think she could explain what had happened to her mother without feeling disgusted with herself.**

**And that was another problem. She was not proud with the way she had handled the situation. Matsuda had done nothing wrong, he had merely told her how he had felt. She had even gone along with it, wanting to believe, and then when he said something she didn't want to hear she turned on him.**

**He wasn't Light. That was certain. Nothing could replace the affection she had for her brother before she found out that he was the mass-murderer Kira. Sayu had revered Light as a role-model. He did well in school. She got mostly Cs. He was thoughtful, and she had stalked several singers throughout her high school career. He was sincere, she told white lies. **

**But she had told Matsuda more than a white lie. He thought that she didn't care about him, and with feeling like a rock sinking with guilt in her stomach, she realized that she did.**

**Chapter 5**

**The sky was blue, blue with clouds and sun and happiness. Sayu rocked back and forth on top of the railing, waiting for him. Her stomach was in knots, her palms were sweating, and she was breathing in a way that showed that she was waiting for something.**

**Matsuda came out of the station, looking tired and unhappy. He saw her, and stopped, looking even more tired and unhappy than she wanted to ever see him.**

**If you've come to play a joke on me, Sayu, he said, Please go away. I wasn't playing a joke, but I am not in the mood to deal with your games.**

**I was wrong, she said.**

**What did you say? He asked, some of the color rushing back to his cheeks.**

**She landed on the sidewalk, quickly moved to close the three steps between them.**

**I was wrong.**

**He was happy, undeniably happy, but there was still a trance of worry in his expression. But will you have an older man? When you are my age, I will be fourty-five.**

**She reached for him. I don't care.**

**He slid his arm around her waist, tentatively, and cupped her face upwards. Are you sure?**

**Yes.**

**But do you want me? His breath was tickling her face. She felt a little dizzy.**

**Yes.**

**Sayu had never been as happy as she was when Matsuda kissed her.**


End file.
